1.
Be a Student of What They are Learning
When
we were growing up, our family was everything to us. They were the safe place
to run to. They were the calm in the storm. They were the people whose opinions
we trusted most and whose advice we took to heart. But over the years,
especially the teen years, the voices of our mom and dad become more like nails
on a chalkboard than the sweet sound of comfort. So what happened? Our
relationship evolved. And while that isn’t necessarily the most comfortable
thing in the world for a teenager to go through, it also isn’t the worst thing
either. So what do we do as our students become less and less willing to listen
to the wisdom their families give? How do we handle the everyday conflicts that
come up between students and their families? These are important questions
worth finding answers to. Because, let’s face it, the relationship is changing.
But as difficult as this may be to handle right now, that change can be for the
good of everyone.
2.
Be a Student of Your Student
One
of the toughest aspects of the teenage years is the growing feeling our
students have that the conflicts within their families are actually their own
fault. And maybe as a parent, you hear that and agree that most of the
developing conflict is the fault of
your teenager. You may find yourself thinking if you could just fix them, things would be better. There
is no doubt our teenagers have some attitude adjustments that need to be made
and some issues that need to be dealt with. That comes with the parenting
territory at any age. And while we are taking a look at how we can help them
through their teen years, it’s also a good time to take a look at our own
actions and reactions within our family to figure out how we can actually
escalate or diffuse the tensions that arise.
As we experience anxiety in our own marital relationships, work
relationships, friendships and even our own view of ourselves, it’s important to
remember not to project these anxieties onto our children.
Because your teenager it not your best friend.
Your teenager is not a licensed counselor.
Your teenager is not responsible for the tension between you and
your boss or you and your spouse or you and your other children.
As Rhett Smith (MDiv, LMFT-A), a Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist Associate, and part-time pastor to youth and families at Highland
Park Presbyterian Church in Dallas, Texas explains in his article entitled “Managing Anxiety in the Family: Strategies for Changing our Relationship
Dance” (fulleryouthinstitute.org), “If we really want to have healthy
families, often we need to begin with the adults in the family taking responsibility
for themselves. Rather than point the finger at our kids because they
might be convenient scapegoats for our anxiety and conflict, real
transformation lies within a family’s ability to do the hard work that relationships
require.”
While this is solid advice, it can be really difficult to do! In
the book Parenting Beyond Your Capacity,
Reggie Joiner points out that one of the best tools to help you walk the
journey with your teenager is to “Widen the Circle.” In other words, it’s
important to invite other healthy adults into the life of your family; adults
who are committed to your children and your family for no other reason than
that they care. And this is also a great way to begin to develop processes for
taking a look at how our family functions and how we can develop the most
healthy family possible.
With this in mind, your student will be invited to participate
in an XP, or experience, that encourages them to choose some wise people to
help guide them through middle and senior high school. And, we have also
encouraged them to include you in the process. Look forward to some more
information from your student’s small group leader after week 2 of this series.
Our teenagers are dealing with so many pressures and competing
voices. Our best bet is to set them up for success by being their champion and
a safe place for them to unload their woes and worries. While this may not be
an easy thing to do, it is important for us as parents to start with ourselves
and look at how we play into the tension within our family relationships. We are the best place to start when
addressing the health of our families.
3.
Action Point
While it may seem like there are very few things we
can agree with our students on while in the middle of these tumultuous teenage
years, we probably all have a similar goal in mind for our families. We want to
be functional. We want to be healthy. We want to do everything we can to set
ourselves up for success. And this may require some hard work—on everyone’s
part. But, as parents we should be leading the way here.
So, as you get a glimpse into how your family is
changing and evolving, sit down and ask yourself the following questions,
taking the time to be introspective and answering honestly—as difficult as that
might be. Then sit down with your
teenager and ask them the specified questions that follow.
Parent Questions:
- How can you learn not to be reactive but to take a step back and get some perspective on the tension and issues within your family?
- What can you do to help your children see a patient and in-control parent in the midst of conflict?
- How would you feel about letting someone else into your family dynamics in order to bring the most health to your family relationships?
- Who would you consider to be trustworthy to confide in about your family and the potential issues and struggles you face?
- Are you opposed to seeking outside counsel from a pastor or Christian counselor? Why or why not?
Student
Questions
- Think about some families that you know and enjoy spending time around. What makes them comfortable and fun to spend time with? Try to share a particular experience that you’ve had with this family.
- What are some things you have seen or experienced this family do that you admire?
- What are some things that you would enjoy doing together with your own family?
- What are some characteristics of you’re your family that you really like? Why?
- How do you feel about the interactions you have with each of the people in your own family? Is there one person you have an easier time relating to compared to the others? Is there one person you have a harder time relating to compared to the others? Why do you think this is?
- What is one way that you would like to see your family change and grow?
- What can you begin doing this week to make that change happen?
After
answering the previous questions, ask your teen to help you make a list of 5
family goals for the following year (i.e. have a family meal together once a
week to connect and re-assess the above questions, commit to spending one
radio/cell phone-free drive to or from school per week to just talk, research
and set up a family counseling session, etc.).
To
Read Rhett Smith’s entire article, go to http://fulleryouthinstitute.org/2011/06/managing-anxiety-in-the-family/
Get connected to a wider community of
parents at www.orangeparents.org.
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